Tag Archives: joke

Economic Models explained with Cows ~ the Ultimate Extended Version

Long Long time ago when I was still studying economics at the university, I once got the following list of how economic models could be explained as reference to how people treat their cows. Quite a funny illustration.

At that time, the list had only 6 items, up to just the “Traditional Capitalism”. Now as time evolves we have lots of new items such as the funny Swiss Banks, Japanese Factories, Mad Cows and even Hong Kong’s Feng Shui, plus some not so funny items such as Singaporean, Welsh and Canadian.

To reflect the contemporary wisdom, Enron, Andersen and even Iraq are in the picture in the latest version that I have captured below. You might think that these new ones are too artificial, but hey, wait and see the last few about some computing companies (found in a MSDN.com forum, no wonder why). I know they are a bit camp. But who cares. As long as it fits the theme, and as long as it is funny, and that’s all that really matters, it’s it?

SOCIALISM: You have 2 cows, and you give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, then throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have 2 cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM: You have 2 giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have 2 cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have 2 cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

A HONG KONG CORPORATION: You have 2 cows. You kill them both becausethe feng shui is bad.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have 2 cows. You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want 3 cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have 2 cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have 2 cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have 2 cows, but you don’t know where they are. You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have 2 cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have 2 cows. You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have 2 cows. Both are mad.

A WELSH CORPORATION: You have 2 cows. The one on the left looks very attractive.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION: You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION: You have 2 cows. The Government sold them to their mates who milked them dry and now the government wants you to buy them back.

A CANADIAN CORPORATION: You have 2 cows but you’re still waiting in line for them to come from the government.

SINGAPOREAN CIVIL SERVICE
You have 2 cows. You scold each one everyday before and after milking. You teach one of them to scold the other. You instruct them to moo only on command.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM: You have 2 cows. You sell 3 of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all 4 cows back, with a tax exemption for 5 cows. The milk rights of the 6 cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all 7 cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns 8 cows, with an option on 1 more. Sell 1 cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with 9 cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

THE ANDERSEN MODEL: You have 2 cows. You shred them.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION: Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the sh*t out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy.

LINUX COWS: You get 2 cows for free with promise of free veterinary support. The cows get sick, your family starts to get hungry. You contact your local veterinary community for free support and find out there is no fix for your problem, if there is you will have to wait and that maybe too late. The remedy is to pay the breeder of your free cows a fee. It would have been cheaper to buy two cows from a breeder who includes veterinary support in the price you can call any time. You are disappointed as the media said free cows are the future and you find out the hype is not what people made it out to be, you nearly starved for the experience.

IBM Cows: You have 2 cows. One has a calf. The outsourcer sends an Account Representative with an SLA Variation. The calf gets sick. The outsourcer sends two lawyers to dispute the SLA covers the calf. You demand that the SLA cover both original cows and the calf. The outsourcer returns with two Account Representatives, an Account Manager, a Business Analyst, a Software Architect, a Support Engineer, and a Project Manager. You are required to hire the rest of the project team. At the end of the project, the team produces an SLA Variation with a 400-page Appendix. The Executive Summary says “We know what’s wrong. It’s your fault, and you owe us more money.” You give up and go to milk the two cows: but it’s been six months since you last milked them so they long since dried up. Nobody has any use for the now-healthy calf that’s running around eating its head off.

UNISYS COWS: You have no cows. You hear about someone else making two cows, and construct a bogus claim for how the cow was your idea. Whenever anyone milks a cow, even if they don’t sell the milk, they have to give you money. As a result, everyone starts drinking sheep’s milk.

異鱗蛇鯖(油魚)烹調法推介

減肥?
死肥魚!咁鬼肥!但食得多可減肥?咁瀉法,實會瘦啦!據講吃油魚減肥的人連放個屁都會「噴油」,弄髒底褲!視覺上的效果好像一個有效的減肥法,放屁都可排油喎!但實際上那些油咪又係你自己剛吃下去那些!之前吃過深海魚油丸減肥,效果差不多,都是會常去洗手間和放屁,但屁沒有那麼臭,也不帶油。而且實際效用也是一樣,都是視覺效果多於一切。

難吃!
魚類菜色一向都不是 my favorite,我也不記得自己有吃過甚麼魚之後有肚瀉或減了磅。但的確我有印象或者在過去一兩年曾在百佳買過一塊好鬼難食的魚扒,勁肥,不過都不是最緊要那一點。最攞命是那肥油搞到塊魚好鬼腥!我還記得那餐我和老婆只吃了兩口便不吃了(所以好彩沒有肚瀉!)。我們更認為自己的烹調技術太差,所以弄得這樣難食。現在真相大白,還我們一個公道!

多年來的騙案
在 Wikipedia 搜尋關於 Lepidocybium flavobrunneum (異鱗蛇鯖)及 Ruvettus pretiosus (棘鱗蛇鯖)的資料,可見到其實這兩種魚(Escolar及Oil Fish)是被labeled as “Toxic” and “banned from consumption”。英國政府的 Food Standards Agency 更也在三年半前已報導過說有很多魚販也將油魚 labeled 為 Sea Bass(鱸魚) 來賣,引致很多健康問題(主要是肚瀉)的個案。香港人現在才發現這真相,其實可能已錯吃了這油魚多年!也冤枉了鱈魚(Cod Fish)多年啦!

不過,我覺得百佳今次除了亂用 food label、引致大眾不適的罪名外,更揾笨的是據明報報導這油魚的來貨價是真鱈魚的三份一!而由事後百佳更堅持這油魚與鱈魚是同種的態度來看,很明顯有用鱈魚的名字來騙顧客購買成本便宜得多的油魚,從而從中獲得厚利!這簡直是商業詐騙!

烹調法推介
雖然百佳現已停售這油魚,但若大家在家中的冰格仍有存貨,應如何處置它呢?丟掉可又覺浪費。如果真的要煮,我介紹大家鹽燒(若大家有燒烤爐在家的話)。燒的時候,可將魚皮燒脆,甚或先將魚皮去掉。這樣可能可以減少肥膩度。但主要的肥油其實是藏於魚肉當中,所以緊記燒完後要灑檸檬汁,一方面可再減低肥膩感覺,再者可辟腥!

在家可怎樣用烤爐呢?第一種是我以前用過的燒烤爐,在 Log-On或 City Super 有得賣,是個可直接在家裏的煤氣爐上使用的。我之前用過來燒牛扒,效果不錯!原本這爐上的標籤本也是說用來烤魚的。如大家不放心直接在煤氣爐上燒烤,怕煤氣會污染食物,可考慮用爐端燒的小碳爐(如右圖)。在很多地方,如 Franc Franc 都有得賣。缺點是要在室內燒碳。搞得不好會被誤會想自殺!

不想燒,也可試試炆,像炆斑頭腩般的煮法。但炆前最好走油(炸一炸)才再落煲,魚身較實淨,魚皮卻可脆脆地,口感會較好。炆的時候甚至可落些冬菇,花膠,蠔油,成煲杰撻撻。鍾唔鍾意食就見仁見智,但賣相一定好睇過煎完後一淌油在碟底的上碟方式!不過無論怎樣吃法/煮法,根據英國政府的忠告,每餐不要食用多過六安士的油魚,否則一定肚瀉!

External Readings / Picture Sources:
blog 一 blog : 秘 方 烹 油 魚 夠 膽 你 就 試 by Apple Daily

我中了六合彩頭獎!

如果我中了六合彩頭獎,六千萬,我會做甚麼?

通常新聞報導第一件事會問那中頭獎的人仕會不會立即辭工不幹。唔,除非六注中每注派彩九百萬,咁我可能會擔心唔夠過世所以要繼續打工。但六千萬喎!梗係唔做啦!

咁我會做D乜?首先我會 check check 其實我仲欠人多少錢,立即還清佢先,and then 我會同我業主講要買下這層樓,主要目標是不用再去想搬屋的問題。跟著便去買架車去代步,讓我不用再去迫地鐵火車和不用再理會冬涼夏暖。理論上我這刻仍有五千五百萬在身,我會分一大部份與雙方家長,我老婆,我細佬和我老婆的大佬。剩下的不夠二千萬會去交給可信的投資經理去投資去一些大概十至十二厘回報的 portfolio。Anything higher than than might be risky。現在 with 十至十二厘回報我便可以有一個 steady stream of income of 五千元 per day!也不錯呢!

到時我便會全職在家照顧 jac jac 和看書做研究啦!閒來也可一季去一次旅行……

想著想著,結果我放工便忙著回家,完全忘記買。回到家後見到新聞報導說有人一注獨中,剩袋六千一百多萬,才想起那個「有人」本來可能是我。或者阿Q地想,我其實都冇諗過會買那堆 number,所以買了都只是等於捐錢給彭福公園。現在冇買到,變相賺了廿蚊!好野!

我中了六合彩頭獎?等下次再發夢時在發過啦!

老師講笑話二

東京肥遊日記仍繼續脫稿,我們繼續看笑話。

今次的笑話層次上由小學升上了中學,所以更騎呢;可以說是用小學生的「小聰明」去答中學生的問題。如果份卷是我改的,真的不知好嬲定好笑。不過如果份卷冇 marking scheme,又唔會有 exteral examiner 睇卷的話,話唔定我會因為他們的勇氣和創意俾番半分佢!

笑話一:

Picture

還有笑話二:

Picture

唔明有乜好笑?咁你可能要搵英皇補下數啦!

特此鳴謝朋友 HY 的 email 轉寄。

老師講笑話,講老師笑話

東京肥遊日記仍在趕稿中,但因下星期一便開學,這兩天要積極備課,所以肥遊記交稿遙遙無期。

不如睇?笑話先啦!這笑話是教員室內同事J 轉寄出來。因為我校是堅持英語教學的最高學府,所以這篇笑話亦是英文,以配合之。

TEACHER: * *Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: * *Here it is.
TEACHER: * *Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: * *Maria.
~~~~~~~~~~
TEACHER: * *Greg, how would you spell “crocodile?”
GREG: * *K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L
TEACHER: * *No Greg, that’s incorrect.
GREG: * *Maybe it’s incorrect, but you asked me how “I” spelled it.
~~~~~~~~~~
TEACHER: * *Ryan, what is the chemical formula for water?
RYAN: * * H I J K L M N O
TEACHER: * *Ryan, what are you talking about?
RYAN: * *Well, yesterday you said it was H to O.
~~~~~~~~~~
TEACHER: * *Peter , name me one important thing that we have today that we didn’t have 10 years ago.
HUNTER: * *Me !
~~~~~~~~~~
TEACHER: * * Adam, why do you always get so dirty?
ADAM: * *Well, I guess it’s because I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.
~~~~~~~~~~
TEACHER: * *Beth, give me a sentence starting with “I”.
BETH: * *I is………..
TEACHER: * *No Beth…..Always say “I am”…..not “I is”.
BETH: * *All right………”I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.”
~~~~~~~~~~
TEACHER: * *George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now Alex, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?
ALEX: * *Because George still had the axe in his hand.
~~~~~~~~~~
TEACHER: * *Now, Macy, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
MACY: * *No Ma’am, I don’t have to. My Mum is a good cook.
~~~~~~~~~~
TEACHER: * *Daniel, your composition on “My Dog” is exactly the same as your brother’s composition. Did you copy off of him?
DANIEL: * *No teacher, it’s the same dog.
~~~~~~~~~~
TEACHER: * *Parker, what do you call a person who keeps on talking to people who are no longer interested?
PARKER: * *A Teacher*

特此鳴謝同事J。

朗尼新歌試唱:《何必屈我》

友人不敗的魔術師 email 我這悼朗尼紅出的歌。不知道是出自他本人手筆或是作詞者另有其人。但無論如何,作得實在精彩!

曲名: 《何必屈我》Picture
音調: 寄調《無賴》
主唱: 朗尼

我間中火爆點
青春得自然
無造作 沒戒心
但總會受騙
為國家專心比賽
被踢都不跌下
為了勝出不退閃

* 哨子響 九秒九
飛奔抵現場
還在故意中傷
又加醋落醬
若有朝跟他相見
定把他撕兩截
以宣心裡鬱結

過去從無預計遇到雙面人
總算與他交過心
為何還是不惜一切害我
有心設局作梗

為何如此屈我 我這張紅牌
是沒有心 誰又肯信賴
並沒有真心想去踩
請不要誇大
直到令判決都轉「車太」

何必屈我 我這張紅牌
是話我蠢 還是很失敗
但亦對他清楚了解
將友愛活埋
為了獲勝卻竟狠心出招作怪
(為了獲勝卻竟狠心)

repeat*

如此屈我 我這張紅牌
是沒有心 誰又肯信賴
並沒有真心想去踩
即使有多壞
未算壞到那麼變態

何必屈我 我這張紅牌
是話我蠢 還是很失敗
但亦對他清楚了解
將友愛活埋
為了獲勝卻竟狠心出招作怪

(pic source: BBC)